No matter how many moms I talk to, I still feel like I'm absolutely alone in the world. I'm going crazy. Anyone mind if I use this blog as therapy? I know Adam probably will. Elizabeth is only 3 weeks old. This is the end of just the first week by ourselves. And I don't know if I can take it. I know my hormones are whack right now. But I haven't felt this anxious and depressed since after my mission. And that led to a lot of self-destructive behavior followed by therapy and medication. It's mostly at night. When Adam's not home. And sometimes when he is. He told me today it's getting hard for him to come home b/c when he does I'm such a wreck. I'm angry, irritable, and unpleasant to be around. I'm getting enough sleep--at least I think I am. Elizabeth is good about sleeping for long chunks (4-5 hours) in the night. I try to get out everyday--even for just a walk. I call my friends. I watch funny shows on TV to make myself laugh. But at the end of the day, everything gets so dark and I feel like I've lost everything and I'll never be free again and I don't know how I'll make it through another day. I just get so lonely. But it's not like my days are hard. I feed her. I help her settle down for naps. I rock and console her when she's fussy. I change diapers. I do at least one productive thing--like dishes or laundry. I even get to shower everyday. So why do I feel like I'm losing my mind and that I'll never be happy again? I'm supposed to be thrilled; so in love with this baby, right? Then why do I sometimes feel like running far far away? Like I want to disappear. Like a zombie? She's a beautiful baby. Adam is a wonderful husband. We're so blessed. So why am I weeping in despair?
6 comments:
Emily,
I haven't been where you are, and I don't have anything awesome to say. Hormones are scary things and they can definitely do a number on you. But you are a tough lady, and you are going to get through this. I just wanted to let you know that I have major respect for you and I'm praying for you and your family.
Ohhhhh Em. I don't want to say I've been there, but it does sound terribly and horribly familiar. I experienced at least something like this when Abby was born and I let it continue for a year before seeking help. Our lives were miserable and I can't think on Abby's first year with much fondness. Don't do that if you can help it. Post partum depression is awful and unfair because like you said, you feel like you should enjoy your baby more than you are. There were times I resented her and more times than I would like to admit when I left her crying in her crib because I just could not face what came next, even though it really wasn't a huge or daunting task. I can't explain it, I just couldn't do it. Anyway, I guess what I wanted to let you know is that you aren't alone, for what it's worth. If you want to call to talk or anything, I'd be more than happy to talk about it. My biggest piece of advice would be to seek help as early as you can so you can enjoy this time with your baby and look back on it with nothing but joy. Good luck my friend. I'll be praying for you.
Hey Em, I'm so sorry for your struggles. I went through similar things when Caitlin was brand new. And I just want to emphasize that you shouldn't beat yourself up or feel guilty for what you're going through and how you're feeling. This is a huge adjustment you're going through and she's still so new to you. My mom always tells me (every time I'm balling over a new baby I'm supposed to be ecstatic about) that with every big change, there's a grieving process we go through, whether the change is happy or sad. That always made sense to me and helped me to realize I was allowed to feel sad for the way life used to be, and also take time to adjust to the change. Give it time. And like Maury said, seek help if you think you need it. Some of the best, most loving moms I know have gone through post-partem. You're not alone. Call me ANYTIME. Seriously. I love talking to you! Hang it there and know we all love you.
Em--I have to concur with Alison--hormones are crappy and I think it's pretty normal to go through this after the baby comes, but I know that you have conquered this before and you'll do it again. You're in my prayers!
Em, I haven't been where you are, but I know that so many Moms have. You shouldn't feel guilty -- you are doing a great job and you definitely haven't done anything wrong. But, I would also agree with everyone else -- I would seek out help if you think you need it. You don't have anything to feel ashamed about, so you should do what is best for you and your beautiful family. I am thinking about you!
Love,
Erica
Emily, I am so sorry that you are having these feelings. There is great advice here from your good friends. Though we don't really know each other all that well (just from Church), please do not hesitate for a moment in calling me or anyone else. Ask for a Priesthood Blessing and pray as much and as often as you can. This helped me a lot. I am all too familiar with these feelings just after having Liam. I just mostly felt inadequate and self-conscious. When all these feeling start surfacing, I get on my knees and pray long and hard. I ask Heavenly Father to help me feel better right then and there, and I don't get up until I actually do feel better. Emily- you are loved by so many people, more than you think. You are not alone. When Elizabeth looks up at you and fixes her eyes on you, she is also telling you that she loves you so much and that she is happy and grateful that you are her mommy.
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