It's Sunday morning, 10:30 AM. Why am I not at church? Why am I sitting in a bathrobe with leaky "faucets" and nasty, matted hair, and no ability to take a nap?
Last week, I took Elizabeth to the pediatrician to be weighed and to discuss with her my concerns about E's eating habits. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, she'll stay on the breast for a whole 10 minutes and, with a lot of prompting, suck most of the time she's on. But a lot of times, she'll eat for five minutes then flip out, arch her back, scream like I'm torturing her, then take forever to settle down. And when she does settle down, if I so much as lower her back to nursing position, she wigs out again. Do I have nasty sour milk??? We suspected acid reflux, so the doctor put her on Zantac, but that didn't seem to be making a difference and was maybe constipating her. I wasn't sure if her strange eating habits were such a big deal or not, so hence the Dr. appointment.
I placed my little angel on the scale, the nurse moved the weights back and forth, then I just stared in shock as she told me: "Seven pounds, fourteen ounces." I asked her to try again. Nope, she was right. E had only gained 7 ounces in two weeks. And she weighed about the same as she did last week on the post office scale (minus clothes.) That's when I burst into tears and didn't stop crying through the whole appointment. The pediatrician assured me that Elizabeth was "thriving," but she suggested I see a lactation consultant. Then she asked how I was doing. More tears. However, thanks to this kind doctor's prompting, I'm working with the consultant, I've spoken with my midwife about my postpartum issues, I've started medication, and I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist next week. So I'm trying everything I can to get the support Elizabeth and I need. But will it help?
The lactation consultant is a warm, friendly, kind-of-granola-in-a-good-way, Jewish woman who works out of her home. She spent a nice long time w/ Elizabeth and me and was so kind and wise and wonderful. She kissed and caressed Elizabeth like she was her own grandchild. (Though she's barely grandmother age.) She determined, due to E's pattern of weight gain (tons at the beginning and now petering off) that she's got a weak suck and so we're doing exercises every time she eats. We massage her temples, squish her lips like a fish, tap around her lips, put in our finger to suck and fix her lips again to see if the suck gets stronger. I was skeptical at first but she assured me it would help. The consultant also saw E's baby acne (hence no pictures lately), and with that and her screaming at the breast, thinks she does indeed have reflux and it might be coupled with a dairy allergy. So no more dairy for mom and we're keeping up with the Zantac and have added extra burping at feedings and we're keeping her upright all the time--including nap time--she sleeps in the swing. To top it all off, since E's not sucking deeply and long enough to get all the hind milk, I'm pumping half an ounce before each feeding. Are we exhausted yet?
All of this has required lots of help so Friday, my dear friend and her happy happy boy (who gives me hope for Elizabeth's future) came to help. We had a great day and things seemed to be going well. Saturday, Adam was my wingman, but little Betty (does that nickname work?) seemed to revert to old behavior and was cranky and ate poorly. I've spoken with the LC and we're going to track my diet to see what else it might be and keep up with the exercises and the pumping. And so it goes on.
Sometimes I get weary. Why is this so hard? Should I just switch to formula? When I was pregnant, I had a number of dreams where I would be trying to suckle my baby, but no milk would come and she would get smaller and smaller until she'd disappear and I couldn't find her. To this day, the memory of those dreams brings tears to my eyes. I know Elizabeth won't starve. I know everything will be fine. But how will I get through this? Why can't I feed my child?
But then comes hope. Adam and a neighbor gave our baby a blessing Thursday night, the day we met with the consultant. Adam blessed her to continue to grow and that her stomach would be healed. He also gave me a blessing of comfort that I would have strength and patience and peace through all of this. I've spent more time on my knees this weekend than I can remember.
So that's why I'm not at church, though I long for the spirit the Sacrament brings. I suppose I should try to shower before Elizabeth wakes up and we go through the whole big production again. But I'll do whatever it takes. And I know the Lord is blessing us, though His ways and timing are not my own.
4 comments:
Emily, thanks for posting. I am glad that you were able to talk to a doctor and a lactation consultant. I hope things get worked out. You are not alone in your frustration. Nursing has been one of the most rewarding things for me with Annika, but one of the most frustrating as well. It is so hard -- especially in the beginning. I would tell you to stick with it, that if you can get through the first couple of months it gets much easier. But, then again, keep working with your lactation consultant, because sometimes it doesn't work out, and that is ok too. One of my friends wanted to nurse so bad, but after 3 months her baby just wasn't gaining weight and would get so frustrated every time she tried to nurse because my friend couldn't let down fast enough. They tried supplementing with formula for a while, and then eventually she just had to switch to formula completely. It made her really sad, but her baby is thriving, and so it is alright -- Betty will be ok. Also, Annika has a dairy allergy, so I totally feel you on that. I didn't figure it out until she was two months old and then it was like night and day. She was so much happier once I cut out the dairy. I felt bad that I didn't figure it out sooner. Now nursing is much easier and I love that time to bond with Annika. I thought I had it all figured out, but Annika just got teeth and the other day she bit me over and over again when I was trying to nurse her. Argghh! Just when things were going so smoothly :-) But, I think we figured that out too. Anyway, this is a ridiculously long comment, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and that you are doing a great job, and that everything will work out ok. Just hang in there and keep trying, and you have so many people supporting you -- even if we are really far away!
Hi, you don't know me, so this is none of my business but I feel compelled to say something anyway. (I found your blog through Lindsay's site and you can check me out anytime, or ask her who I am--I'm sure she'll vouch for me.) I'm the mother of three happy, insanely intelligent, healthy children, and none of them were breastfed. I too had imagined bonding with my children while they nursed, but am actually unable to produce enough milk to feed them adequately. I nursed my oldest daughter for three months until her pediatrician insisted that she be put on formula immediately because she'd lost two full pounds since birth. I was devastated. I felt like a bad mother for doing things the "wrong" way. With my second, I tried to nurse again and he cried all the time. I set an alarm and woke him up every hour all through the night--even on those rare nights he might actually have slept on his own, to make sure he'd get enough to eat. I became severely depressed and had a complete meltdown at my 6 week post-partum check up. I explained everything to my midwife between sobs. She took a deep breath and said simply "Exhausted and guilty is not a good option." She encouraged me to put him on formula, forget what all those La Leche Leaguers preach, get some sleep, and start loving my baby. It was the best advice I've ever gotten. Like I said, this isn't really any of my business, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone in this, and I understand that it's really hard. If you do choose to keep trying to breast feed, that's great. I hope that it works out. But also, cut yourself some slack. You can still be an excellent mother even if that baby's not on the boob. :) Nutritionally formula is EVERY bit as good for your little girl as breast milk. Sure, she'll miss out on some antibodies, but that's why the good Lord invented Baby Motrin. And besides she'll develop her own immunities soon enough anyway. Good luck!!!
I'm glad you sought help from a doctor and a lactation consultant. You are doing what comes naturally to you and there is nothing wrong with that. There is always an adjustment period in the first months. I had the most difficult time breastfeeding in the beginning. I had a C-section (not without its hiccups) and didn't get a chance to hold my baby until six hours later. I also refused to take any pain medication after the surgery which was not a good thing because I later found out that it was supressing my milk production. My milk came in and I was engorged. Liam was getting dehydrated and I ended up taking him urgently to the doctor who advised me to suplement with formula until I could get the breastmilk flowing. I then called a lactation consultant and we agreed that Liam had a weak suck. I also had sensitive nipples. I "conditioned" them with the Lansinoh balm before breastfeeding and pumped enough to "let the milk down." I took warm showers, (do not soap up the nipples), and applied warm compresses on my breasts between feedings. I had to adjust his latch constantly. He also fell asleep and I had to switch sides or positions for like a whole hour until I felt he had enough breastmilk, and then gave him some formula. All I did all day was eat, breastfeed, burp (VERY important), and rest. I can't stress enough the importance of burping. Burp until you feel like it has been too much, lay her down, and then immediately pick her up again and continue burping. Go all around the back, too. The burp just has to come out. On rare occassions, it doesn't, like when the baby is super relaxed and no air goes in, but don't rely on that to happen every time. Liam had baby acne in the first few weeks, but it went away in about a week or two. Just make sure you eat right, Emily. Contrary to popular belief, you don't need to drink lots of milk to make good breastmilk. Eat lots of chicken soup (with chayote squash instead of potato or noodles), beef stew with a side of brown rice, spaghetti bolognese (with whole wheat pasta), etc. you get the picture. If you want, I can e-mail you some recipes. Also have lots of healthy snacking foods on hand. Drink lots of water, Mother's Milk Tea, smoothies, fresh fruit and vegetable juices. You can do this! After all is said and done, if you feel you have exhausted all efforts in getting the breastfeeding thing going, do not feel bad about doing formula. It is still not brutally cold, so go out for a brief walk and stand in the sun so that you both get direct sunlight. You both need your vitamin D. Put music on for her, too. Talk to friends, and try to enjoy this moment in time. It goes way too fast. I can't believe my Liam is almost two (in January). My problem right now is that he is still breastfeeding. I really hope there is a no-cry solution to weaning him from my breasts. God bless you, Emily, and call me when you get a chance. Oh, and sorry this comment is so long, but I hope it helps!
Another lady that doesn't know you, but thought "My Boob Job" was the funniest title of the evening, so here I am. (Maury's friend ;)
I went through the exact same thing with my first!! It was so depressing and tiring!! I won't even go into how my feedings were sabotaged from the start. I finally took my pediatrician's advice and started pumping every three hours at the same time of day. So, say- 6 am, 9, 12, 3, 6, 9 and then sleep. (I'm not saying this was my schedule- I can't really remember) Something about the continuity helped my body get into a rhythm/routine, and I let down more easily. If baby can nurse at the same time instead, all the better- just pump immediately after.
It took me three months of feeding and pumping before I wasn't supplementing at all with formula. And then she only nursed until 8 months. The whole thing just made me so sad. I thought she'd missed out on so much nutrition. But really- she got some breastmilk every day. Some antibodies were in there. ;) And brain-wise she's doing extremely well, so I'm pretty sure formula didn't "damage" her- ha.
It is exhausting. All I can say is- three years later, I wish my breastfeeding experience had been a good memory, but it isn't. But each year, that matters less and less.
And another thing- this trial is going to bless someone else somehow. You'll be able to empathize with mothers feeling the same discouragement. You are becoming a more loving person right now- you're just too tired to notice. ;)
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