This morning I was sitting with some friends—a young couple like Adam and me, who also have a little girl. They were off conversing about something and when I looked their way, the wife had her arms around the husband's neck and they were smiling and talking. I quickly looked away, though they weren't doing anything especially private. But in that moment, something inside me cried out in pain.
Pregnancy does strange things to you, and not just to your body. (Though those things are strange indeed. Who knew stretch marks could be blue?) I find myself startled when I see someone bend over to pick something up off the ground or when I see moms sitting on the floor with their children. At the post office, at a store, walking along a sidewalk, I feel bewildered and angry if I can't find anywhere to sit down. Why wouldn't they think of that? Doesn't everyone want to sit after five minutes on their feet? I wonder at the self-absorption that makes me see all the world through the lens of my own disabilities.
And it's not just the physical. As I watch romantic scenes in movies, I alternate between incredulity and bitter jealousy. How can she stand being so close to him? changes to why don't I feel like that anymore? It's not fair. I look at pictures of myself on various outings with Adam, before the pregnancy and even before Elizabeth, and I'm shocked by the change. I used to look so happy. So alive. I've never been one to think much of my looks. But at times I almost weep when I see how pretty I used to be. Or, more accurately, how pretty I used to feel. I used to be a wife, lover, friend, and mom. Now I feel like all I am is a walking baby incubator. I suppose that's why it hurt to see my friend with her arms around her husband's neck. There was no baby belly between them. No weight weighing her down. Just youth, happiness, and love.
Of course, I don't know the inner struggles my friend and her husband may be facing. And I know that, all too soon, I will remember, as I did after Elizabeth was born, how "easy" it was to take care of the triplets when they were inside me. But for now, like my toes, these things are hard to see.
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4 comments:
Oh Emily! First of all, I was just thinking the other day what a bummer it is for you that you missed out on the 2nd trimester reprieve. You were already blossoming by the time morning sickness ended, poor girl.
Secondly, you are an incredible writer. Have I told you that too many times? Seriously, you should write memoirs and publish them. Or have you heard of Segullah? It's a blog for LDS women writers. You should totally be a regular on there. Go check them out.
Third, I just nodded my head the whole time I read your post. When I dreamed of being pregnant for 29 years I had no idea how difficult and sucky it sometimes is. This is a affirmations video I watch with Sophia sometimes when I start to feel angry toward my body. It's full of beautiful belly photos and happy, empowering affirmations. Maybe Elizabeth would like it too, Sophia loves it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZybml4TTeo
Fourth, I think so much of these changed feelings toward husbands and life have to do with 9 months of constipation. Who can feel anything but animosity while constipated? :)
Love ya chica, Rachel
Emily, so well put. So glad it's not just me. I used to wonder at parent couples, why the wife always looked older and fatter than the husband, how I wouldn't let it happen to me. And of course we know where that went. Where is the energy, the youth, the joy, the labido? I'm not currently pregnant, and have never had triplets obviously, but I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed with what I've got that I can at least relate. Thanks for putting it into words.
Your blog was startling to me. I don't know why, but sometimes I get the feeling that I am just being a baby and that I alone experience these things. When I see someone bend over to pick something up like it was nothing I sometimes feel a sudden panic, "What if I am never able to do that again? What if I just never loose the pains I feel?" For right now it feels as if I never will. We had a shopping day with Josh's family a few weeks ago. I needed to take a break several times and there were no benches in front of all the small little shops. I finally ended up sitting on a step. The entire time I was thinking about how inconsiderate they were of their customers.
When things like this come up I remember that after I had Lydia, I did come back to my normal self. Eventually. I just feel so bad for my husband that has to deal with the "before the storm" now.
I read this a while ago and meant to come back and comment b/c I was rushing but then forgot. I don't know what to say other than AMEN!! I was actually composing a blog post about this exact thing but yours sounds better so maybe I won't now. Haha. I hear ya sister. I hate feeling the way I've felt about myself lately. It's nice to know that others feel the same way. I hope it's just a phase and I'll be cute again someday.
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