I ran out of formula today. It was 10:30 AM, three and a half hours since the triplets' last feeding. I had been doing things that needed to be done since I got up at 7. But somehow the time had slipped by and there I was, half-dressed with wet hair and three time bombs about to go off. I made it back from the bodega that accepts WIC checks before anyone started to cry hysterically, but I still felt like the stronger word for poo. Leaving alone the fact that I could not feed my babies myself, (a pain I can no longer spare any energy on indulging) I couldn't believe that I had let something so important slip my mind. What have I come to?
Sunday was a black day. I was sitting in the corner of the Relief Society room, holding I don't even remember which baby. I think it was Lucy. I was trying to keep her asleep. My entire back felt twisted and weak, with hot, shooting pains radiating in and out of my left shoulder blade. I'd been feeling faint all day, as I was fasting with Adam for extra help with our marriage. Everything seemed a little off. The night before I'd been up multiple times, besides the feeding at 2 AM and consequently, I was dozing in Sunday School (holding a baby) when I'd been awakened by the change of class. Relief Society had started and there I was, listening to a lesson on the Sacrament, and everything all of a sudden became very surreal. There were my friends, sitting in the middle of the room with each other. There was my sister-in-law, texting and playing games on her iPod. There was the teacher, plugging away at the Gospel Principles book. Tears started to drop down my cheeks and my chest got tight.
I am not okay. I am NOT okay. I AM NOT OKAY!! I shouted in my mind. I kept looking around. Would anyone notice I was having a total meltdown over here? I almost started to laugh. Hey! Relief Society! I I need some relief! It was like I could see myself outside of me telling everyone, Stop the lesson! This is an emergency! The girl in the corner who looks like death warmed up needs help! But no one looked my way and I stayed silent. What would I say anyway? What would I want? To pass around a sign up sheet? Please put your name and phone number if you can rescue Emily from herself. We have a calendar marked with the days Emily needs help living her life. If you can live it for her, make a note at the bottom. Yes, we know you've helped her for months but she STILL needs help. *Frownsmile*
So I didn't say a word. The tears stopped. Lucy woke up. I smiled at my friends as class let out.
Bonus points if you get the MJ reference and can name the music video of the image above.
9 comments:
Oh HONEY!! I wish I could save you. I know the feeling...only probably a fraction of what you are going through. I wish I was there to help you anytime and every time you needed help. I wish I could fly to New York and bring you meals...all three meals of the day...and feed your children all 85 times a day they seem to need it...so you could go take a nap...for like 10 days...and then wake up and be rejuvenated enough for me to take you shopping for fun things like shoes and books and get pedicures together and free make-overs...and then I would hire a personal nanny, maid, and cook for you before I went home. Hang in there sister. Let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do here in Idaho. This will get better.
I love you, Em. You're an amazing person and I was totally impressed that you're going to church! You're in my prayers.
I would be on that sign up sheet. You're a hero, Em. And you absolutely should have interrupted someone to ask for help. That's what they're there for. If you have triplets, it seems you should have ward help for as many darn months as you need them. Ask. They'll be right there. I just know it. Much love. Hang in there.
hi there, i found your blog from the triplet moms group on baby center. i found out that i'm pregnant with spontaneous triplets about a month ago (i'm 22 weeks now). anyway, i enjoyed reading through your posts and hope to keep up with how things are going. its really nice to read about real feelings and thoughts about this whole crazy experience that few of us are blessed enough to have. my husband and i are keeping a blog about our experience too, if you're interested in checking it out (because i'm sure you have just loads of time to catch up on blogs) :) its www.threeleggedrace.us
oh, and i saw in some of the older posts that your husband is a graphic designer? my husband and i are both designers! small world. hope you and the little ones are all doing great!
Oh man... I totally saw you and saw how tired and out of it and kinda sad you looked and thought, "me too." That is as far as I took it. Lame. I think you were having the harder day.
For reals, I know it is hard to get out with little ones, esp. for you, but we should. Girls (meaning mommas) need to play with girls! For sanity sake. John recently said taking the kids out is like going camping... hard and lots of prep is needed, but worth it!
Sorry your day was so stinky.
Emily- hold on I'm calling you. (Not right now, you SHOULD be asleep.)
Your words reminded me of this thought I found recently,
“The first step toward becoming a Zion people is being honest.”
Thanks for being so honest, Emily. I've been thinking about your post since yesterday and I'm glad you wrote it.
It also made me think of this post on grief: http://segullah.org/daily-special/the-valley-of-death/
I can only guess, but I imagine that with all the joy and love that comes with bringing 3 babies into the world at once, there must also be a sort of grieving process. Maybe grieving the life you were called upon to give up in order to raise three spirits simultaneously, or grieving the small moments of each babies life that you will miss because you only have two hands and three babies, or... I could go on and on. And I could be totally out there, maybe this doesn't apply - but just know that if you feel the need to mourn, I hope others around you allow that of you and Adam. And I hope they do what I think Heavenly Father would do, and mourn with you. (and I hope that the outward appearance of that looks like a lot of cleaning of your bathrooms :)
Sending much love, Rachel
Emily,
Am I the first to tell you that the image is from Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden?
I'm late to this post, but I know that it is probably not a unique feeling and that you STILL could use a load and a half of help and support. Keep asking, Emily. I am more than sure that a lot of people just don't want to disturb you or insult you or whatever with offers of help. Ask, keep asking, and keep writing so beautifully.
The only thing that kept me from weeping while reading this was that your writing makes it so vivid and beautiful. I kept thinking, Wow. This needs a publisher and exposure. And then I remembered that it IS published and exposed on blogger. :) "You've got Talent, Kid."
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