So the night before last, I had a dream that I was walking down the street and I magically appeared on BYU campus. I remember exactly where I stood--on the sidewalk in front of the Tanner Building and across the street from the JKHB (or what once was the JKHB). The sky was blue but not bright, like the sun had just begun to set. When I realized where I was, tears came to my eyes and I literally got down on my knees and kissed the ground. Pathetic? You be the judge. But it really made me stop and think. And the more I thought, the more I realized I need help. So here's my thoughts. Then you can help.
After lying awake a few moments after the dream ended, I realized that I had kissed the ground partly out of sheer joy that it was CLEAN. For those of you not familiar with either Provo, Utah or Sunset Park, Brooklyn, these hyperlinks will show you what I saw/see on a daily basis. I couldn't describe better than these pictures illustrate the glaring and depressing difference. Walking home from the subway yesterday, (on that same road in the Google Map), I was pondering my sidewalk smooch and I realized that, when I walk around Brooklyn, all I look at is the ground--the dirty, grimy, litter-strewn, tattooed w/ gum ground. Maybe it's the bitter winter wind that keeps my shoulders srunched up and my head down. But maybe not. So I decided to try an experiment: I'd look up. Not just out at the garish storefronts, but UP to the old brick buildings that make up the muted skyline. I really tried to focus. "Hey, I've never noticed that building before." "Are those cell phone towers?" "How on earth did they get graffiti way up there?" It was a nice change.
Later that night, Adam and I listened to a part of the Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting in which Elder Holland, Elder Oaks, Sister Beck, and a few other sister axillary leaders talked about marriage and family. At one point, they were giving advice to newlyweds and I couldn't help but feel my conscience pricked as they talked about obeying the first law given to Adam and Eve: to leave their mother and father and cleave unto each other. Is my pining for Provo a failure to stand by my man? I keep telling myself that we're here for Adam's career which is fundamental to our family's future. But somehow, when I'm looking at the sidewalk, it just doesn't matter. Occasionally, I'll be running by the cemetery near our house and I'll get the faintest whiff of...nature. It almost brings me to tears.
Later that night, Adam and I listened to a part of the Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting in which Elder Holland, Elder Oaks, Sister Beck, and a few other sister axillary leaders talked about marriage and family. At one point, they were giving advice to newlyweds and I couldn't help but feel my conscience pricked as they talked about obeying the first law given to Adam and Eve: to leave their mother and father and cleave unto each other. Is my pining for Provo a failure to stand by my man? I keep telling myself that we're here for Adam's career which is fundamental to our family's future. But somehow, when I'm looking at the sidewalk, it just doesn't matter. Occasionally, I'll be running by the cemetery near our house and I'll get the faintest whiff of...nature. It almost brings me to tears.
So after all these thoughts (with few pictures, which Adam HATES), I'm asking for your help/comments/advice. Please. Before I loose it completely and run screaming like a madwoman down 4th Avenue. Or kiss the sidewalk.
5 comments:
Is there a way to leave the City on weekends, even if it's for a few hours? You need to get out of Dodge and smell some Spring (that's assuming that Spring is close at hand.)
Call me this Saturday. Let's talk...I don't have school.
DADZ
I don't know Em. My opinion is that you're doing fantastic. I really admire both of you for what you're doing. You're doing the hard thing because you know it's right. But knowing it's right doesn't make it any less hard. You're dealing with so many new things and having to adjust like that can take it's toll. So don't add to your difficulties guilt for wanting something familiar. It's only natural for you to feel the way you do and you have to deal with it the best you can. I love you babe. I'm sure it'll get better.
Oh my I empathize. I have been writing my own comparable post in my head lately. I just haven't decided to soften my heart and love NY yet. I'm sure it will come for both of us.
To try to speed things along I looked up all the scriptures about having gratitude in all things. There are A LOT! So that's a nice reminder. I need to post that on my mirror. And I've been wanting to read "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, or "The Celebration on Discipline" By Richard Foster, just because those two books always make me see life more clearly.
Anyway, that's some of my thoughts on the matter! And just FYI I really am glad we're in this thing together - it's good to have parts of life that you don't have to work at being grateful for, ya know? Thanks for being so honest in your post, it was helpful for me! :)
Oh, Emily. I wanted to cry when I read your post. It reminded me of different times when I was at college and going through tough times, knowing that Heavenly Father was there... but still feeling miles away from who I really was. (For different reasons then yours, obviously.) I guess that's what got me through it. I remember walking home on campus when I was all alone and singing hymns and primary songs to myself (The most helpful "I Will Follow God's Plan" and I can't believe I am admitting I was singing that song to myself on the way home from campus.) Somehow, they helped to reassure me that I was still the same person, and that God still loved me and remembered me as the same person, even when all around was very different and I felt so alone.
It's strange to me, the comment you made about cleaving, because I always thought you were so good at that. I still think you are. To be having a difficult time with a very big change in your life, I think is normal. That you are thinking of how to better cleave to your husband shows how you are following the commandment. Hang in there. You're doing well. You may not feel that way, that's the tempter's influence. You're a rock inside... but even rocks have been known to quake from time to time.
If it makes you feel any better, we really miss you guys, too. We love you, Emily.
Interesting to know.
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