
So the night before last, I had a dream that I was walking down the street and I magically appeared on BYU campus. I remember exactly where I stood--on the sidewalk in front of the Tanner Building and across the street from the JKHB (or what once was the JKHB). The sky was blue but not bright, like the sun had just begun to set. When I realized where I was, tears came to my eyes and I literally got down on my knees and kissed the ground. Pathetic? You be the judge. But it really made me stop and think. And the more I thought, the more I realized I need help. So here's my thoughts. Then you can help.
After lying awake a few moments after the dream ended, I realized that I had kissed the ground partly out of sheer joy that it was CLEAN. For those of you not familiar with either Provo, Utah or Sunset Park, Brooklyn, these hyperlinks will show you what I saw/see on a daily basis. I couldn't describe better than these pictures illustrate the glaring and depressing difference. Walking home from the subway yesterday, (on that same road in the Google Map), I was pondering my sidewalk smooch and I realized that, when I walk around Brooklyn, all I look at is the ground--the dirty, grimy, litter-strewn, tattooed w/ gum ground. Maybe it's the bitter winter wind that keeps my shoulders srunched up and my head down. But maybe not. So I decided to try an experiment: I'd look up. Not just out at the garish storefronts, but UP to the old brick buildings that make up the muted skyline. I really tried to focus. "Hey, I've never noticed that building before." "Are those cell phone towers?" "How on earth did they get graffiti way up there?" It was a nice change.
Later that night, Adam and I listened to a part of the Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting in which Elder Holland, Elder Oaks, Sister Beck, and a few other sister axillary leaders talked about marriage and family. At one point, they were giving advice to newlyweds and I couldn't help but feel my conscience pricked as they talked about obeying the first law given to Adam and Eve: to leave their mother and father and cleave unto each other. Is my pining for Provo a failure to stand by my man? I keep telling myself that we're here for Adam's career which is fundamental to our family's future. But somehow, when I'm looking at the sidewalk, it just doesn't matter. Occasionally, I'll be running by the cemetery near our house and I'll get the faintest whiff of...nature. It almost brings me to tears.
So after all these thoughts (with few pictures, which Adam HATES), I'm asking for your help/comments/advice. Please. Before I loose it completely and run screaming like a madwoman down 4th Avenue. Or kiss the sidewalk.